If Not Now -- then When

It's been 3 weeks since my last update. Started a new job, yes, even in a sagging economy. With change always comes deep feelings of insecurity. In my heart, I know I am lovely, intelligent, and competent. Yet, there's this shadow that always tells me otherwise. In those moments I remember the precious advice I recieved, and did not entirely adhere to, during our premarital counseling.

There are lots of different approaches to premarital counseling. Many couples prefer to do it through a religious institution where faith is the foundation of a relationship and where admittedly the cost is less than professional counseling.

I recall the best advice our clergy counselor gave us...as we informally chatted around breakfast at an all American diner discussing issues such as finances, "fighting well" and all the traditional topics to cover before engaging in marriage. During that specific meeting he listened for the first time about the death of my mother. He asked me if I had considered professional counseling.

"Do you know how much that costs?!" I asked, aghast that he would suggest that during a season of financial crunch he would suggest I see a professional grief counselor.

"How much did your dress cost?" Was his unsolicited response.

"$250" My proud reaction thinking back to the great deal I found online to the dress of my dreams.

"You mean you would spend $250 without hesitation on a dress you want to make sure is clean and white for your wedding day, but you wouldn't spend that amount to ensure you walk that aisle with a clean soul?"

His words pierced my defenses. "Who is he to judge the state of my soul?" Was my first reaction, followed by, "he's got a point." A secondary reaction.

Now...nearly 3 years later, change still draws back the same stings that made my wedding the best and most painful experience of my life. Change...be it a job, a location, anything brings back hiccups of the same flavor of a pain that accompanied that season. Yet...finances has always been the reason I never reached for a counselor I felt comfortable with.

I titled this post "If Not Now -- then When" after a Tracy Chapman song that served as an epiphany from my engagement days. Back then I believed the numbing agent of time to be an interpretation of healing. But the feelings that surged during that period, were actually a gift, a clear open door to areas in my life that could be worked through, at any cost, before they crystalized in my heart, resurging at vulnerable times.

You can wait 'til morning comes
You can wait for the new day
You can wait and lose this heart
You can wait and soon be sorry
Now love's the only thing that's free
We must take it where it's found
Pretty soon it may be costly
If now now what then
We all must live our lives Always feeling Always thinking
The moment has arrived.
If not now then when...