Not alone

For one day in her life the average engaged woman is tranformed into a supermodel for her wedding. A cross between an allstar diva and noble princess. On that day, a slew of cameras and videos, bubbles and confetti, follow her every step. Her hair is perfectly pinned, her face adored.

A little while ago it was my birthday. Another day in the year where I secretly expect the paparazzi to show up and make me feel like I'm the most important person to mother earth. In reality, it's usually not mother earth's snapshot of my life I seek, its my mother's gloating over it that I miss.

The emails came in, phonecalls abounded, my husband's card made me cry from joy. For eight years I had practiced choosing to enjoy this day without my mom recieving the credit for making me happen. The plan for the day was laid out, my favorite comfort foods in the fridge, a slew of social events would keep me busy enough to not really think about it. But this year another curve ball came my way.

My father forgot.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how many people remember, it's hard to get over the one person who seemingly forgets, the one person who's absent. An eternal optimist, this was hard to accept at my wedding. Didn't matter how many cameras were clicking or faces smiling, there was one woman in the world I wanted there more than emotions could express. More than my feelings could contain.

In that moment, and in other life moments, I think about my Creator. I listen to that part of my heart that knows there is more to my existence than biological forces shaping atoms and equalizing ions. When I feel surrounded by people yet empty within, longing for my mother's presence, I think about a verse in the Bible that says "When my father and my mother are turned away from me, then the Lord will be my support." (Psalm 27)

On days like these I miss her and I smile and in my heart I kiss her and I realize, God is with me. I am not alone.