Are motherless brides more likely to elope?

I've been wondering -- are motherless brides more likely to elope or minimize the idea of having a wedding out of sadness from not having their mother with them? What are your thoughts and experiences?

Motherless Mothers Day

Motherless Mother's Day - a meaningful term coined by Hope Edelman in attribution to a day most motherless daughter's and brides may secretly dread; a day Hallmark won't allow us to forget. 

To me, the term begs the missing adjective that precedes every well wishing milestone we celebrate. "Happy birthday"; "Merry Christmas"; "Speedy recovery". What can we wish each other on "Motherless Mother's Day"? 

Peace in reconciling our deepest loss? Security in knowing that we are loved and cherished even if our mother's can't affirm that through her words or assuring touch? 

Based on her 2012 Mother's Day blog entry, Hope Edelman would likely say a "grateful mother's day"...Finding that silver lining that embellishes our grief and loss through the ways it has shaped us. 

I think I'll cling to that sliver of optimism. 

I'm thankful for the people who have come into my life to help me grieve. Thankful for a man who loves me in the midst of frequent tears. Thankful for Hope's assuring words -- 

"It gets better. Truly, it does."

"What I Want You to Know About My Wedding"

I recently picked up an old August 2010 South African edition of O Magazine, an extemporaneously rare move on my part. The article that caught my attention was about a slew of celebrity women who wrote a letter to their younger selves (from Ellen Spragins' What I Know Now About Success), preparing them for the success that would follow. What on earth could these hot mamas, slick presenters, accomplished experts have to say that would reveal ways they would relive their pivotal life moments?

After reading their sincere accounts to their "younger selves," I realized that this mental exercise, odd as it may feel to actually do it, might be redemptive when addressed to someone loved, lost, and dearly cherished.

As life moments continue to approach, I have found there to be healing and courage in facing my emotions in grieving my mother: how angry I have been at her absence, how dismal the void of her guiding voice has felt, and how deeply I craved her affirmation on that special day.

As your wedding soon approaches, take an evening to light a few candles, drink a glass of Pinot Noir, and consider taking this step.

Feeling Mothers Day "ish"

Planning a wedding while being surrounded by all things "Mothers Day-ish." Quite the combo. 

Flowers, cards, chocolates -- all things "mother" infiltrate society. It's the time of year where every compensating effort is overshadowed by a marketing image of a mother and daughter laughing gregariously together. As if that were the norm for every woman in the world.

So how do we cope on this day? What do we do or tell ourselves to make it meaningful instead of cringing inside?  

Just read an inspirational article by a woman who shares how she's learned to somewhat embrace the things the day can represent.

How to Handle the Grief on Mother's Day when Your Mom Has Passed Away
One of the hardest things in life is to lose your mother. On Mother's Day it's even harder.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/194920/how_to_handle_the_grief_on_mothers.ht

Curious to hear your thoughts...how do you cope on this day?

Ideal and Reality

Happy Valentines Day to you and your love.

Recently I've been sucked into watching the ABC reality show "The Bachelor." The premise of the ABC show is that an eligible bachelor is woed by dozens of gorgeous girls who only have a short amount of time to gain his attention, competing with other girls who all live in the same house. Their grand prize for gaining his favor -- a bling bling engagement ring.

With each passing week, I stand amazed at how fast these incredible women fall for this man. Their deepest desires for marriage, children and security surface as the process of elimination intensifies. In the final phases of the "love race," the women bring the bachelor home for their mother's, father's and siblings to give him the third degree.

This is where the pain lies in knowing that many brides don't have that luxury. Many brides have only a partial family to bring their groom home to and to attempt to describe to him what their loved one "would have" said or "could have" done to make him feel at home, to add a maternal touch to wedding madness.

Most mother-of-the bride books agree that the title "mother of the bride" has far more to do with a list of responsibilities than a title. On the day of the wedding, although there may be a missing spot for where the mother of the bride may stand, it is in the period leading up to that day, many motherless brides feel the practical void of responsibilities a mother would normally fulfill.

Some fear having to explain themselves and prefer to plan much of the wedding themselves. To move this experience into the realm of reality, I'll close with the story of one bride, for anonymity sake we'll call her Candice, who reflects on dealing with loss through her wedding experience.

I felt a pang of loss when my husband and I were picking out our china. He was one of the only men there, and every other bride was with her mother. And my family table was sparse because she wasn’t there. It was hard to face that because both parents were gone, not only would they both not see me get married, but my dad wouldn’t be able to walk me down the aisle. I made a point of walking it myself, picking up my maternal grandfather – who walked with a cane – at the first couple pews. I didn’t want anyone else to stand in, I wanted all or nothing, and to show I was independent.

Holiday Family

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..." sings a middle-aged man's voice on the radio.

It is the most wonderful time of the year indeed. And for you Christmas/ New Years brides out there...your wedding will be blessed, blissed and beautiful.

Celebrating the holidays with close friends and family, I noticed a pattern. Many men gravitate to their wives families. Holiday family gatherings are usually harnessed around a maternal figure, and the wife's family nucleus. The togetherness in this most wonderful time of the year can so easily amplifies the missingness of a loved one.

A mother is an anchor, a source of order, strength and home. For families that lose that anchor and warmth, it becomes so easy to spend life pretending. Pretending it doesn't matter that much, really. Pretending to be as interested in other family units out of the void of your own.

Last night, in an air conditioned car on a frigid night, my husband and I had a conversation about the emptiness that comes with not having a second side of the family to complete the family circle.

First come the justifications...we live far away by choice. We're adults now, independent and complete in our own right. But the truth of the matter is that the picture is unwhole. And the memories of what it would have been like for it to be whole fade with every passing year. Nine years of not hearing a loved one's voice is a long time. A make believe lie of her going on a long trip can no longer hold up.

So the conclusion of our car talk was to accept this reality. We've tried to challenge it, change it, work around it...but this year, for it to be the most wonderful season, we're embracing it. No longer pretending. Even if it's our own little secret.

The Jolly Holidays

Already Thanksgiving has made it's 2008 entrance, followed by the jolly Christmas spirit.

It's the nation's one last shot to creep out of hybernation before the freezing cold settles in.

And here -- juggling between wedding budgets and contract maneuvering, add to the bride's to-do list: gift giving, card sending, party attending, family mingling and mother missing.

Before freaking out on your fiance from stress, or to any tree that will listen -- allow me to propose one hidden wedding planning benefit of this busy season.

The opportunity to ask for help.

Many motherless brides I have met revel in the appearance of being entirely self sufficient. Indeed, the notion of asking for help would mean to acknowledge weakness and face up to the feeling of wanting to be safe in the strength of a mother's arms.

I remember sitting on a carpeted floor days before our wedding, bundling bird-friendly confetti into little strips of material I had envisioned to be cast upon my fiance and I as we were to be announced husband and wife.

Housemates that walked by my neat little bundles frequently asked if I needed help.

Politely I declined. Over and over. Resenting the fact that they couldn't read my mind, roll up their sleeves and start counting confetti.

To ask for their help would mean my confessing "I feel alone and scared, would you help me and give me the support I need?" Although the request would not be interpreted as such, I was determined not to feel like someone's project. Besides, getting married was my choice, why should people feel obligated to help.

Such an approach alienated me, feeding my distrust of people's motives.

Which leads me back to the subject at hand. The blessed holiday season is a time of coming together, figuratively as well as literally. Being true to your heart and inviting others in will bring a comfort isolation does not allow. Trust me, I've been there.

For many people, complex family issues arise at this time. People are craving comfort and the warmth of friendship.

Inviting others to help you bundle confetti balls, assemble invitations, or shop for random deals can seal the joy of the season, both for you and for those who want to share in your joy.