Fear of Commitment

Note to self: fear of commitment and mother loss are connected. Check out an excerpt from Buxbaums' riveting novel. Anyone read it?

Blue Dress, Blue Napkin

Remembering random details mid-conversation with friends and relatives may be typical for most brides. Fervently nodding in conversational agreement over microcosmic points of talk that spark monumental inspiration for decorating ideas. Suddenly a friend talking about her new blue dress triggers an idea for blue napkins to be neatly folded underneath the complimentary fusia pink M&M favors.

Taking these random details and thoughts to a "motherly" level can be hard -- to put it mildly. Although I have often heard brides complain of their mother's excessive sharing of wedding preferences in a border-line manipulative way, at least those tastes, opinions and preferences are known.

On and on your friend's "blue dress" conversation continues, while all you can wonder is what color napkins your mom would want? What kind of a dress would she want you to wear?

Would she think my 20s hairdo is hideous? And who will entertain our great aunt and uncle, if not her. Am I responsible to introduce old relatives to the groom's side of the family even though the last time I saw them I was in diapers?

Slowly you feel your "I'm listening to your blue dress story but thinking of something wedding related" nod give way to an unpolished glisten of tears accumulating at the corner of your eye. Taking charge of your tear ducts you hurry a whitty comment that makes both of you laugh. You laugh and laugh till the topic changes from blue to the weather. Your thoughts craving one thing only, a journal.

Photo credit: Kate Nash by Paul Ferrell

Her Dress, My Dress

(Image source: Modern Bride/ Perfect Bound)

This Kaleidoscopic picture reflects the momentum of legacy. The legacy of commitment from your mother's love that nurtured your ability to extend it as a radiant bride.

The bond of a Mother-in-Law

It's taken time to assemble these three short words into one phrase. Mother-in-law.
I remember the first time we met. Just as I had grown accustomed to all my friends having their own mothers to rely on, dating D. caused me to confront a new mind boggling reality - my boyfriend had a mother too. Which meant my universe of empathy, I thought at the time, was shrunken to that of a diary and pen.

Over time I engaged in more meaningful conversations with this vivacious woman, who, over time felt free to call herself "mom." She too ironically lost her mother at age 20 and approached my aloofness with an exponential dose of warmth.

As D. and my relationship evolved into engagement, "mom" and I found a natural bond in shopping and sipping french onion soup. Though I knew comparing her to my mother made no sense, the appeal to do so superceeded any logic. Thus the laundry list began:

She was not from my culture, and could not pronouce words as I did.
She didn't remember my sisters and I fighting as kids, nor did she put ice-cream on my tongue when I was burning with fever.
She never disciplined me as a teenager nor did she shape my worldview.
Yet she did all those things, and more, for the one my heart was in love with, my husband-to-be.

And... she was here. And she was trying to know me. And she was open.

Comfort Blanket Down the Aisle

Imagine a noble sparkly-eyed bride, walking down the isle, clinging to a thin cotten childhood comfort blanket patterned with faded cartoon characters. To the bride, this item symbolizes an age of innocence, a feeling of safety, a sense of being surrounded by unconditional love. Down the isle she walks, chiffon dress trailing behind, as she clings to that blanket of hope.

Sure, the moment gets lost by the prospect of gazing into the eyes of the man you love. But still, in the back of one's mind there's a rooted understanding that this wedding is missing an integral figure. Perhaps walking down the isle with a cotton blanket may seem a little out of character, but there are other items brides have used to encapture, and honor the one who bore them life. Tracy Masington of the site Fresh Bride proposes the following:

Have your florist provide you with a special flower that can be easily slipped into your bouquet. After your arrival at the altar and before anything else happens, a previously designated relative brings your groom this special flower. He then slides it into the center of your bouquet, and the officiant says: On this day, we honor the memory of the bride's beloved mother by adding a specially chosen flower to the bride's bouquet.

How Others Commemorated: Part II

Jane and Tess.

If you haven't seen the movie 27 Dresses, I'd highly recommend it. Besides presenting an interesting social commentary on weddings, it also provides insight on the relationship of two sisters in light of a wedding and the loss of their mother.

Jane, the responsible older sister withholds her dismay when her dad presents Tess with their mother's wedding dress. Tess, portrayed as a wedding diva, cuts up the entire dress to shreds to use a strip of it in her own fashionable gown.

Here's the warning from the classic sisterly blowup scene where Jane tells Tess: "Today you're just the bXtch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress." Might be a good idea to ask siblings before tearing such a treasure apart.

But the scene does present an option for commemoration...using elements from your mother's wedding dress in your own, or wearing her dress entirely.

How to Commemorate - I

I'm on a mission to find examples of ways women commemorate their mother's presence at their wedding. Here's a very bold bride who talked about how she felt her mother's presence during the ceremony. Note her disclaimer at the end.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9vYXiHsNlTI&feature=related